After going to old folks home, suddenly feel that I shdn't be like them next time sitting around..I shd do sth to contribute to the society even when I'm old..

Thought about totally quit my job and going to do volunteer work..if time and money permits..

Or open a tuition centre and throw in moral ed teaching foc. I have lots of idea. Aft I finish studying, I could dream and think of everything..

It's been some time since I went for gym..shd pick up again..

It's been some time since I play my guitar..shd pick my again..

It's been some time since I do my wushu..

Writing calligraphy wise not enough..

Thought of learning singing..dancing..or an instrument..

There're so many possibilities I can do..

I shd plan and see what's my next step

我以为考完最后的考试，我会很开心。但还是负担累累...

到底要活得像个人样，还是活得像个佛样？好乱

"i scared I will anyhow take a chopper and chop people up.." know who said this? My mum.. Why can't she just stop worrying and thinking so much..

"don wan to see doctor..still got alot of medicine.." if don eat medicine on time also no use

I dono how I can help her..no matter it's last time or now..I felt stress..yet can't do much to help..in her eyes I'm the youngest and the most useless..so even I'm free and can acc her at home..no use..she'll still be scared..y can't she think more positive?

What am I thinking..y can't I just buy her an iPad to play at least she has sth to do at home..I don wan to end up be like my sis..promise..end up bought nth..

There's alot of things I can do and shd do..

Everything seem to guide me towards changing or quitting my job..at least I can have more time for mama? Am I able to do it? But it's so silly right..just finish studying..shd I make adjustments for it? Having 2 teachers at home is not a good thing..mama see sis so stress and keep flaring up also affect her mood..I really tried my best and not talk so loudly and fiercely to her..I don remember these days very angry or anything..

There're so many 未知数 for this following few years..every step and decision I take will be important and affect the outcome..I must think carefully..but the decision is so big that I couldn't take it..it feels so stress..cos I don even know or foresee what will be the outcome..i don even know what is the outcome that i want..what do I want to do? What do I want to do for others? So many things to adjust..once the decision is made..cannot restart..

I hope miracle will happen and I don need to choose..got 恐惧选选症..it's being so trained that I cannot choose what I want..when it's the time to decide..I dono how to decide..I hope when I have kids..I'll let them choose and let them take the consequence themselves..no matter right or wrong..train to make decision is also part of learning..

Maybe my everyday praying for her is nit sincere enough..I should not slack and shd do more for her..

Must really remember to take do the things I shd do..cannot forget..

It's a long day..went dyb to pei Taiwan visitors..went army open house..walk to mbs..then to little India..lots of walking..being a 'tour guide' wasn't easy..with most of us feeling tired and quite few ppl coming today..don really know where to bring them..how to walk..what to talk about as we don really know what they like and where they went before..

another long day in school for tomorrow..hope there's less walking to do as my knees start to ache..

Finally..my exams are over!!!! I finally finished everything!! Jaja so good..pei me go eat and walk walk..hehe..我一定要把这三年失去的时间通通追回来！

It was quite a success yesterday..just because it didn't overrun any bit! hehe..but really thanks to many helping hands to make the performance go so smoothly..finally..the thing that irritates me for these few months finally finish! I learnt that when comes to planning wise..there are also many details that I overlooked...Everytime..everything I all do by myself..this and that..split myself into many the physical me..the virtual me..the spiritual me..during busy times I always split myself into 3..how could I do that..but yes..I did able to..but not more than 3..this round I need more than 3 people..to run the whole show..so really grateful that there's help coming..just like the old saying..even I have 三头六臂...I still cannot manage alone..Now I know how this 三头六臂 come from..ha..

Stumbled on a news on NTU having double degree in Chinese medicine...I still remember long time ago..being a doctor is my 2nd ambition in my life..which is the 1st? Haha..lawyer. That was when I'm 7 or 8 years old? My doctor ambition started in Sec 2..and that was my "smartest" but "loneliest" moment of all..results best..no friend..You can't have both ways..that's the perfect of the imperfect..everytime it's like that..I study better when I'm alone..Do things better when I'm alone..maybe because I know nobody can help me and I can only help myself..therefore the potential in me just came out..but..it's tiring..

I ask myself..if there's a chance for me to study again..do I want it? Study is tiring...because of the exams..if u don study for exams..it is interesting..just like what I'm studying now..if i have the time not to study part time but full time..I guess things will really be different..I'll be enjoying and research and go further myself to really learn and improve my translation skills..yes..I'm not a language person..but I study 2 languages..yes I'm not a verbal person..but I'm a teacher..Haha..challenging my weak points? No! It's...just like that..I didn't think of any objectives..no goals..nothing..just doing something that I feel I will like..other than my pri sch and my first cca..which I didn't choose myself..all other decisions are made by me..sec sch..jc..go nie..go unisim..study which course..join what cca..I have the choice I want..maybe that's y my "rebellious mood" during teenage not high...I seem to be contented with whatever I have..so I didn't grumble..and that's a thanks to my parents..other than controlling my results and not letting me fail..they did not whip me with any other things...I guess..couldn't remember..

It's going to be my last paper tomorrow..I hope everything goes smooth and...I have a better future ahead of me..^_^

How come it's only 4am now? I thot I slept for a long time..couldn't sleep anymore..

After exam today...I got a shock from the school...

There's performance today..whom I'm the in charge..the performance overran by an hour....and ate other subject teacher's period..I'm so sorry..but I'm not around and i really don't know what happen and how come it overran so much...The teachers were upset..P was annoyed..I know it's all my fault..but I just don wan to 连累other people..

There's another performance for another level tomorrow..i'll be in school..and i really hope it won't overrun and everything will be fine and run smoothly and end early..

I start to panic..actually I really dono what to do...with so many teachers going for exam leave..including myself..end up only left one permanent teacher in the afternoon session..

What should I do..actually it's too big a thing for me to handle..不管是人际或工作都变得很复杂...sometimes I really got the urge to convert myself to flexi and just teach and nothing else..I don mind the pay..I don need to climb any ladder..den I don need to live in shock...fear..and panic all the time..

Everytime..things will be like that..studies busy..cannot manage work..work busy..cannot manage studies..两头不到岸...如何是好...

And I just hope everything will go well for tomorrow...don play on me again...

Just called mama..happily in the crowded jurong bird park with the other elders.=)

Today is a weird day. Mama and sis went out. I took leave from temple to study for exam. Only me and dad around in the house..weird...

Stumble on some website and saw this:

犯错，重要的是知道自己已经错了，表示弥补并提醒自己以后要注意了；面对犯错的人，多给一些宽容和理解，不要再去一味追求那句很书面的“对不起”，孩子都知道错，他怎么可能不知道呢？等事情过后，他一定会心平气和的告诉你他错了，并且是怎样去弥补的。

其实人，别太在意别人的得失，别老是咬紧别人的错误不放；请多给别人一份理解和包容，请将别人的行为当成自己的一种价值指向，请爱护自己，请在犯错的时候反省自己，请原谅别人犯下的错误。更多的，也原谅了自己！你可以试着，放松自己紧张的情绪，将专注点放在别人的闪光点上，只是平静缓和的接受一切来自外界的信息。把那些自己做错的牢记，把那些别人做错的包容，请记住：包容----------是人类生活中至高无上的美德！

http://q.sohu.com/forum/14/topic/46363574


Learnt so many things..end up din apply anything..it's not the first time that I've heard or learn this..really feel sometimes brain empty de..dono put what thing inside..recite too much色即是空，空即是色?

this lyrics which i edited from a song suits how I feel..

怕不怕被拒绝
怕不怕被省略
我怕不怕被沦落在宿命中妥协
当真心宣告残缺
骄傲的玫瑰正一片一片枯萎
尽管我抱歉 忏悔
真心一旦坠跌就不能飞

别指望她谅解 别指望她体会
真心不是点头就能挽回
快乐或伤悲没什么分别
心碎到终点会迎刃而解
别指望她谅解 别指望她体会
真心不是注定填我的缺
太多的是非 来不及杜绝
更不想依恋这残缺的悔
残缺的迂回

有没有发现天灾越来越多？

高科技发展的到来，意味着离回归原点的到来越来越逼近？

是天灾先来，还是人祸先来？
天灾是终点？人祸是终点？

不知道我说什么，想一想罢了。虽然知道自己渺小，还是要珍惜眼前。

Sometimes..you really have to learn how to sleep and listen to lecture..although your body is sleeping..your soul is not..at the very end..you still need to let your soul control you instead of your body...right?

these few days exam...i din go school...took alot of leave..but..i also din really study for exam..why?

1. jaja will call me often to check whether i studying or not..and talk to me at the same time..
2. School looking for me in and off through phone and mails which disturb my mood..
3. mama at home will talk to me on this and that and ask about my flat and stuff..what to eat for lunch and dinner...overseas what medicine to bring...complain about this and that..
and many more...

just take it as a break..take it easy..it's the last sem..and the hardest sem of all..i just hope everything goes well and i don need to retake my exam and graduate this year..that's all..

jiayou!

今天好忙好忙。明天请假考试，但心里还是放不下，好像还有事情没做好，还有事情没交代。今天4点钟起来就睡不着了。一直想去学校还有什么事没做，还有什么漏了。庆幸的事，我最不喜欢歉人东西。应该做的，多做一点当作是不能本人亲手做的赔偿，只希望其他人也方便，连和我一样考试请假4个人的份也做了。突然什么东西都要改变做法，谁想啊？就让他们安心考室，不打扰他们吧！很快就到我了，我什么也没背，真是考天才。可是这次是我最担心的，这是第一次我没有在家温习，没看过课本内容，没读笔记。我只希望能度过难关。

好多事情，一直看着电脑做事，头好痛，突然开始咳嗽。读书连健康都赔进去，真的值得吗？

有好多好多事情要去想，好久都没睡个好觉，就和妈妈一样一辈子都没睡好。什么时候才能帮她把痛苦承受完呢？

好累，但也要坚持下去！加油！

Finally, paid deposit for the kat at macpherson.. I think it's quite good as it's central and near mrt...compare to those places like punggol I still prefer a more centralized place.. I think I will like that place.. No matter it's windy or not..hot or not..far from eating place or not..everything is all ok..we're considering whether to take 12 or 17 storey..end up I take 12..although 17 is windy..taking lift wise can cut down on time..pros and cons..but I prefer to stay mid range floors..

Actually the only concern now is to leave this house early or later..I prefer later..if not this house will have less laughter and people without me around..mama will be boring as nobody to chat with...

Exam is next week and I haven start my revision..haha..

事情过了几天，突然之间有另一种领悟。

本来那个posting只想要让一个人看到，让他早点气消。只要气消，马上删掉。事情会闹那么大，我只能说，这件事让我更了解一些人。有意的人会更刻意，无意的人更不会在意。本来以为无意的人变得刻意起来、才会有这样的一个结果。

上网看了看，就如我想的一样，只要你做了同样一件事，就会有同样的结果。这件事，发生在全世界。不知情的人表面上看起来这样，就判断用这样一个方法，就会有这样的结果。原来用人性的方法，就会有人性的答案。

在别人面前，我也不想解释太多，也不想再牵涉别人，就这样吧。我只能说，我对某些人的失望，让我更看清楚人性，和一些人。别人对我的失望，我何尝也不一样？别人对我的改观，我何尝不也一样？谁做过什么，知道什么，怎么想，其实是知道的。在这个世界上，有什么是能被隐瞒的？

这件事，也一直发生在别人身上。世间上还要有多少这样的事，又有什么办法让整个循环断掉？很多人对我说，碰上了也不一定是件坏事，至少体会的比别人更多。

我是幸运的。

做了一件损人不利己的事。结果把事情闹大，上头也知道了，找当事人去澄清。其实，直觉已经告诉我会有这样一幕，这样的结果。我承认，自己有不对的地方，把事情闹大，但另外一方可能会因为这件事情小心说话，避免再伤害更多的人。很多人都不喜欢，但没有人当面说出口。我做了很多人都不敢做的事，不是因为勇敢，而把事情闹大，把事情大声地讲清楚了，大家摊开说，是好是坏？我想，只有把消息传给上头的才知道。

我是经过思考，才做的，虽然知道自己错，但是还是做了，原因只有两个：
1）让对方了解自己
2）让自己一方放下

也让我自己看清楚自己多坏，还有什么是做不好的。

可能之前有个自私的想法：尽量把事情搞砸，不要升官发财，只要在不伤害到学生利益的，就搞砸。结果真让我搞砸了，人格也一起陪下去。

人性对我说：好啊！不喜欢她的人都想看到她有这样的下场，你帮了很多人，让很多人开心。

天性对我说：损人不利己，忍下来不就好吗？不关你的事，插一脚，让大家都不好过，大错特错。不止害到自己还连累别人，添麻烦。这关不通过，还会继续考！就算磕头忏悔也没用。

随意平静底下，拥有“怪”想法的我，就是控制不住自己。其实我什么都不想，也不关我的事。我只想让身边的人都好过一点。这次人性败给了天性。

方法用不对，目的达到了。自己做错的事，自己承担。就算会内疚一辈子，抬不起头，也要诚实面对自己的心。I will regret and repent for what I did. 或许时间会让人遗忘很多事，但自己做的错事，是永远无法忘记的。到现在为止，大概有5件事了吧。口袋本来塞满满满的福气，可能一下子因为这些事都归零，这我很清楚。天蝎性格还是不要出来的好，O型性格也不要出来。虽然我知道不能赖任何东西让自己找借口犯错，我只能说，这一关我给考倒了。希望下次再被考验时，我能有进步。

在我里，我想向我对不起的人说...对不起。

对不起，害了你。
对不起，伤害了你。
对不起，让你受苦了。
都是我不好。

我本来以为自己可以一直保持这样一颗心，但这次被考倒了，最对不起的人，还是......我自己。跟几年前的我一样，我将带着这些内疚和遗憾，时刻提醒自己，过我人生的下半辈子。