Monday, January 23, 2012
It's already 5am but I still couldn't sleep
Ever worst sucky Chinese new year...
Even during eve of Chinese new year.. My family is quarreling.. I'm being forced to quarrel.. Saw my sis did not tidy her stuff.. Just eat sleep watch tv serial.. She put her worksheets on my table.. Which triggers me to quarrel with her..and her 傲气makes her talk back and pick on me on every little thing I did..
And the reunion dinner was never ever a good one.. Cursing each other during Lao Yu Sheng.. I was forced to eat unhappily at the same table with my family.. I ate quietly..
I suggest to Jaja watch midnight movie on today.. Dono y he came over to my house just to quarrel with me.. I dono y everytime he will start the quarrel..just like my sis.. Picking on every little flaws I have..am I not good enough? I think I am a good girl.. But how come I'm still being picked at? I don need another sis to pick on me.. I never ever pick on him or unhappy with anything he did.. End up he wanted to change me.. He say he won try to change me.. End up he always eat back on his word and always think what he did and what he think is always right.. Why can't I have my own thinking and own way of doing things? Sometimes it has nth to do with him and yet he wanted to interfere.. I have my own decision.. Why do I always have to end up crying before he acknowledge and accept the answer that I gave him?
I am really tired.. Even many friends that me how can I tolerate this kind of person? I dono how long I need to tolerate his temper before he could really change( he said he wanted to change himself).. But I think he loves himself more than anyone else... If not he will not always be so unhappy with so small things about me and make me unhappy already..
What I only want is someone who can cheer me up instead of letting me think of the unhappy things that I already got it at home.. So what's the diff between him and my family? I'm just jumping from one unhappy aide to another unhappy side..
I bet in the long run.. My health will just be gone because I am always unhappy
I just know... I've been hurt too much..
Friday, January 13, 2012
I really feel angry when she throws away my things that I need to use.. Or spoil my things just because she's careless. I really wish I could get away from this house and this family.. All the while my wish is still the same..this house has bad people.. Bad fengshui.. Everything is bad..
I'm not happy at all..it's not that I'm not filial or hate them..I'm just not happy because of their character..doing..everything..does things for my own good but harm me instead..I know I shd not be grumbling but after all these years of tolerance I really couldn't take it..I hate the way they groom me to be like this and let me have this kind of bad habit which makes me to be what I am now. It's really serious..living with fear..phobia..and sleepless nights..pls tell me what to do in order for them to just let me go and be free so that I can be happy..
I really don wan to be a kid and whatever I do they'll just object silently and keep complaining at the back how bad I did what bad things I've done. How come everything I did turns bad in front of them? How come
I cannot choose the way I want to go? How come they keep thinking I have no choice but to live like that? How come I give money and contribute to the family still need to be disliked and say I give too much? How come all the good things that I did all become bad? Why can't I just be myself? Why do I need to be controlled by people from everywhere and everyone? I feel so stress that I keep having nightmare.. I'm being forced until I have nowhere to go and no where to retreat.. I'm on the verge..at the very very edge and back ..afraid..couldn't move anymore but to squat down and cry but can't call or any help because nobody can help..
What am I going to do..I am really too afraid to help myself but nobody can help me..
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Ate sth which is spicy... I'm afraid my tonsils will act up. I've not fully recovered yet..dono if i shd see doctor.. Already spent alot of money on it..I don even dare to go to my loudest when I scold my kids..I felt I lost a little freedom to my voice..but the thing is.. Teach PE usually have to speak quite loud..I have PE almost everyday since I'm teaching 2 classes.. I just hope I can be as healthy as possible in 2012
Monday, January 09, 2012
On my way home now aft buying bread.. I purposely waited for Jaja to go home tgt as there's a briefing in the evening..
Dono y at the very end I decided to back out..cos I rmb Jaja saying nt to wait for him..when I reach the bus stop he told me to walk back. Haha.. He so good enough to want to fetch me home, but 10 sec later he called again n ask me not to walk back and ask me to choose.. n I just missed my bus to walk back.. It was not the usual bus stop and it's really quite far.. So I still chose not to walk back.. I told him I missed my bus.. He's angry about it and say I can choose nt to take his bike..
although I really wish to take his bike.. I still say no.. Cos if I don take his bike he can go home earlier since he shd be tired or fetch other ppl home on the way..although it's really fast to take his 15 min bike home compare to me using 1hr to reach home..
I did consider to go take driving license so tt I can go anywhere more conveniently n not depend on anyone..n I can take whatever heavy stuff with me instead of carrying on my shoulder.. I try to take smaller bag.. It helps.. but I owe many ppl alot of stuff cos I din take back to do..but.. Considering me always blur and getting lost.. No matter how I just couldn't differentiate where is which direction.. Just like I couldn't differentiate the specs of different cameras..hm..maybe taxi? It's said to be cheaper than owning car..ha.. It's just a wishful thinking.. Even if I have tt kind of money I'll also won spend it like that..actually I really wish bicycle can take me to and fro from sch..
I hope I'm able to accomplish what I wanted to do and stop owing other ppl..or myself anything..:)
Friday, January 06, 2012
What I want to do in 2012?
- to be a happy person after I graduate
- able to go for a graduation trip ( although I have no grad ppl to pei me)
- able to pick up my DIY stuff and do them
- able to pak tor and be with Jaja alone (no other ppl) once a week..
- take good pics with good cam
- update blog and use check Facebook more often
- do more DIY stuff
Long term goal:
- to look for physicians that can cure me or mama
- overseas volunteer work
Hmm.. Maybe that's about it..oh ya..for work wise I hope I can bring more hope to my p2 weak class students and make them believe in themselves they can do it.. I tried the method of facing the classlist and say 谢谢你，对不起，请原谅我..it somehow works a little n they are nt as bad as what their form teacher thinks of them..=)
坐摩托越来越没安全感，是对驾车技术没安全感...还是对人？
