i was looking at the photos that i was being tagged at the facebook...all the memories jus flash past me..all the happy memories..old photos from sec sch..jc..choir..rsp..and esp the dybers..took lotsa photos with them cos we'll always go out occassionally..only when i was looking at the photos did i realise wad a wonderful life i have with so many groups of friends here and there..really thanks so much for asking me out..making me a difference in my life instead of nobody asking me out and staying at home for the whole day..

thanks so much..

u noe..i suddenly feel that i'm more towards perfect in cyber world than in reality..dono y feel like meeting with lotsa obstacles..

found out lotsa mistakes of the paper that i set..and the hod sounds so serious as there are lotsa mistakes..until she called..and wanted to see me this and that..althou i'm a beginning teacher..ya..but i always don allow to let myself make any mistakes..i definitely hope so..but the more i worry..the more i can't do well..

also..there's lotsa paper stuff..mid yr review..this and that that i'm not good at..even the application form to go uni i can fill for 3 hours..i'm really not good in paperwork..really..i really tried my very best le..and maybe oso cos due to stress..family..further study stuff tt's worrying me..and no time to cool down..tt i start to can't do things well..can't concentrate..everything and everyone wants me to be fast..fast and fast..i oredi do very fast le..and this morning..suddenly got so many ppl looking for me bout the mistakes i make..ask me to change this..change that..and the blur me always can't really remember 100% of wad they say..and ppl only say things once..they won have the time to repeat another time..

setting the paper alone just makes me feel more alone..

went to sing with temple ppl..yes..went quite high..but..the editing of the papers is always on my mind since the call from hod..and i keep worrying until i'm not fully 100% enjoying myself..and i began to mark my things inside the ktv room..wierd..and sometimes i sang and mark at the same time when i'm singing some familiar songs that i noe..i'm stress..

but now..after drinking tea..tink i'm quite hyper now..which makes me worry more..thou jaja says it's ok..it's alrite..still beginning teacher it's very normal to make mistakes..but i can't accept the fact that me...i can't give a perfect work..as i always do..everytime cannot accept tt i'm imperfect..and i start to blame myself..low confidence..and everything comes in..and i start to feel afraid tt students will complain bout me tt i teach wrongly..i owe them compos tt they've written for weeks..

my expectation of myself is high..but i gave other ppl a low expectation of myself..meaning..high expectation but low output..wad to do..i'm blur..

i noe it's no use stressing and worrying cos things will be over and done with as the time goes by..but i jus can't help it..i need to keep myself very occupied so that i don wana worry bout it anymore..i am always struggling..and numbing myself so that i won feel so stress..hoping to ease the worry inside me..

i'm worried..i'm still worried..but wad to do..this worry will jus stay with me as long as things doesn't get settled..

worried..stress..sad..wad have i not taste before..another someone who's going to reach the bottom again..i noe..i must stand up and battle again no matter how tired i am..how messy my feelings were..i jus gotta face it..no matter alone or not..

u noe..sometimes..kids jus makes ur day...u see wad u can get from them...they need to draw..the favourite games that they like..

balancing..

running..

dodge ball..

i dono y the kid always think that dodge ball is to hit other ppl's buttock..den he'lll say..teacher..y din play the hit buttock game..diaoz..

and finally....this

u noe wad's this? yes! the eagle and the chiken! oh no..when i saw this all on one page i was so spectac...i don even noe how to draw ppl holding on to each other lo.and he can give me this..and when i was looking at the drawings..i was thinking of this kid...thou he's nt really good in chinese..he is really good in his drawing..even the previous work of his..is always those which i'll choose to put up on the notice board de..and he's always the one who makes the whole class laugh..i noe i shdn't do it..but he innocently said out things that make everyone laugh..and i couldn't continue anymore..cos i dono how wad to say anymore..his answer always make ppl laugh..i noe it's bad..but i got a nickname for him...xiao long bao..i dono y..ever since the first day i step into this class..i ask them to give me a class name..den he say y no xiao long bao..everytime always say..and he likes to eat xiao long bao alot..and i was like sitting and smiling to myself when i thought of him...don be mistaken..he's not my bf or anything..u noe sth..these are all the games that i played with them during pe lessons..and he actually remember everything ..even the cone i used to mark up the area during dodge ball..and his image of dodge ball is the ball throw to the buttock..

but i got another bf in sch..cos i always need to drag and hold his hands cos he too hyper and always wana run away frm me whenever he sees me..

i'm so sorry..but i'm too busy until i can't give back children's work these days..so many stacks piling up..and i was so tired..everytime i reach home i couldn't help it but to fall asleep on the sofa ..i'm truly sorry ok..i noe i'd have done more de..i jus have to wake up and try to steal more time here and there instead of wasting every min and sec away..

but..i need my rest u noe..tt's y i still wana go out with frenz and stuff..choose lo..this day pei jaja..this day pei frenz..this day for my own activity..i cannot jus give up on anything like that!

ya..i wanted to write more..but no time le..i jus woke up and haven mark anything..bye bye..

today..a student cried in my form class..while the other is celebrating bdae..prob bcos due to jealous and wad others say..(that she's selfish blah blah)..she's emotionally unstable..and when i'm nt around during recess..she called her mum..who got scared cos her daughter is crying and said she fell down..and she rushed to sch before i could do anything else..as a form teacher..i chatted with her for a while..and the same sentence came out.."u look quite young hor.."ya i noe that..i look at i can be pri 6 pupils..u noe..parents will hv the impression that u're inexperience and couldn't take care of them..so took the initiative to call and explain things..as she's in the dono wad parents management committee..she say it's nt a big matter la..jus tt there's some previous accident tt oso occur which scares her..

actually..sometimes..if it's nt ur fault..u do nt need to say any sorry..cos it's really nt ur fault..but den..i heard sth bout this child's parent la..so..it's better to take some action first..

schedule is so packed..plus one of the weekends(per month) need to be reserved for the temple stuff since i became one of the "teachers" dere..sometimes oso find it quite xiong..when i'm oredi like quite packed with my own stuff..my table is stil in a mess..everywhere is unpacked..even my sch table stuff is like toppling when i pull sth out..so tmr got concert band duty jus try to pack some stuff..and mark my things..sometimes really buay ta han of myself tt my things can be so messy..and when comes to packing..i rather go and sleep and rest more..

today headache until really cannot take it cos got the stupid course at some sch which i din learn anything from it.den aft a short nap on the bus i felt the headache coming very badly..luckily jaja's panadol save the day..if nt i can't even shout at the kids anymore..den the office ppl ask..so young take so much medication ah..lol..tis time really very jialat la..i really really lack of sleep..actaully is nt sleep..is lack of rest..need to rest and recharge..so many things here and there is jus making me crazy lo..even aft working hours stil need to bother bout this and tt..and during th bus trip i heard lotsa ppl wana become flexi aft a few yrs..sigh..gd lo..nt bother bout income and stuff..dono when i can do that too..

some says u can't live by urself in this world..u need other ppl's help..sometimes..come to think of it..does a person need another person's help..or making use of another person to do things..is it better to jus work alone by urself..yes..i do agree if ideas are shared there'll be more ideas..there's always pros and cons to everything..

just tired..

u noe..sometimes i jus dono wad i like and wad i don like..slow in reaction..and until some time later..den i realise..oh..actually i don like this..i don like tat..but by that time i realise i don like it..i'm oredi used to the things that i don like..cos from young til now..there are many things tat i don like but i still do it jus bcos other ppl like me to do it..and tt's y sometimes being labeled as "guai kia"..i'm jus used to doing things that i don like..even if don like..i'll still do..i'll still agree..cos oredi being forced to like things that i don like..until now..i dono wad is like and wad is don like..jus do..sometimes feeling a little lost..and sometimes will feel maybe it's better to be rebellious and let others noe wad u like and wad u don like..cos for me..i don really have any rebellious stage..and that's wad i'm like now..everything oso ok..dere's no like or don like..cos i dono how to differentiate..cos no matter i like or don like still gotta do..complain so much oso no use..and that oso probably leads me to the bo chap type..or "do everything" type..dono y..tend to be a little lost when life is busy..cos don have time to really think wad i want..i really hope to have a good break and really think about wad i want..

today..big bro ask..wad's ur resolution for 2009..i thot i'll have a list of things..but when u really ask me how..i'm so lost that i dono wad i shd do..wad am i going to do for 2009..do more for sch kids? hope i can handle my time well do accomplish everything i want? i think i totally dono wad to do..really very lost..this is 1 thing that nobody could help me..but myself..i rally need a break..being lost will make me pessimistic..low confidence..and everything back to square again..planning and organising wise is always not my forte..den i jus blur blur live on..wake up janice! stop going on with the same routine which u noe u shdn't!! WAKE UP!!!

emotionally unstable..

heard that a person can jus choke and went into a coma cos a blood vessel suddenly explode and suddenly pass away..

treasure everyone around you..

sometimes..i'm really so busy..don even have time for myself..don have time for others..i'm so sorry if i neglected any friends..cos i'm really occupied by work and stuff..sometimes it's not tt i don reply to forwarded sms..i don even have time to clear my mails and inbox..this and that..i really wish to keep in contact with everyone..wish them happy birthday..happy valentine's day..this and that..but dono y..as the time pass by..it's nt that i don wan to do..it's that i don have the time to do again..the days where i'll send over 20 plus christmas cards to everyone..and mummy says i waste stamp..and forward and flood others with emails..forwarding sms to wish everyone this and that..disturbing ppl..finding ppl i can chat with and open lotsa msn windows at one go..now no more..

i wanted to do more..but i couldn't..i couldn;t do more for my kids..these days i can't seem to finish marking their work as soon as they hand in..it's jus so tiring after i got back home and i could jus sleep on the sofa immediately after dinner..i wanted to mark my things..but i'm really very tired..i'm oredi..to my limit le..is it jus my time management problem? last time i'll try to steal time to mark on the bus..but when i'm on the bus..i jus stone dere and din wana move..i don even take out my storybook to read like last time..i wanted to..i wanted to write my diary on the bus..on plan wad to do for the nex day..but i couldn't..i'm really too tired to think..i try to push myself oredi..i push very hard..but it's jus so hard..

after 9 periods straight down today..i could hardly move..before that i was playing dodge ball with the kids..after running for awhile..i felt really tired..i was panting..prob long time din go gym..my shoulder..leg..here dere..jus got that kind of pain as if i got sprained..i could say that my muscle was stiff..carrying 2 big bags of things home everyday seems to be my job..and carried them back to sch without marking everything..wad's the purpose rite..shouldn't decive myself..but i tot i could do more..i really thought..bcos las time i really could mark everything i brought home..wad's wrong with me..is it jus symptoms that i'm growing old? i can't let myself do tt..not bcos i'm scared of being old and ugly..i need tat energy to keep me going on to do things that i wana do..

i'm not afriad that i'm busy..i'm jus afraid meetings and outing will clash and i'll either miss the fun here or dere..life is only once..if that timing over means over..u can't replay things back..no matter how u live ur life..good or bad..choose an easy way out or a difficult way out..how can i make myself to do wad i'm suppose to do..to let out all the potential in me..and it's the same for my kids..when i'm talking to them bout their character..behaviour..do they really noe wad i'm toking bout..couldn't i jus do more..

i shd really sit down and reflect on how i'm doing now..how to make this kind of busy situation become more effective..rather than jus straining myself and struggling..i noe i need a breakthrough in order to progress..to procede on to the next stage of life..but wad is it in me that i need to adjust so that i can get that breakthrough..

u noe..sometimes form the way ur kids behave..it just reflect on urself wad kind of chracter u have..the bo chap type..u noe..today someone broke the beanbag and the beans came out..den some of them went to pick it up..i say "don touch it"..cos i was rushing for time and i couldn't be bothered bout such things..then..they really put down on the floor..where it was lying..even the cap of the bottle..don they noe that they shd throw away..instead of putting back to the same spot..i really think the one with problem is me..if not how come they'll behave like tat..den i din bother to ask them pick up again cos was rushing them back to class for another lesson..

i'm sorry..but i noe i'm in the wrong..i shd enforce and tell them wad to do instead of letting them blur blur..the dono wad to do..but i noe..or maybe sometimes i oso dono..they always ask..teacher..i found a colour pencil..wad shd i do..i ask le but nobody claims..den wad..there's no place to keep lost and found things in the classroom..so? do wad? throw away? wad if later they found out it's theirs..so cruel to jus throw into the dustbin..wasted..or mabe i'm jus not meticulous enuff..u noe..there's a student 1 week din come..and i oso din go and call to check wad's wrong with the kid..there's a kid..suddenly gave me a one week mc when i din even noe she's not in school..wad's wrong..i'm the form teacher yet i din noe..althou i don see them everyday i oredi try to ask my kids who din come on that day..they told me..but still like that..den how..i cannot always go into the classroom when they're having other lessons ma..wad is wrong..i tink i shd jus go and consult other teachers see wad they say..i tot there's nth to ask..but as i reflect..there's more and more to be asked..actaully writing oso helps to reflect and think..

all sch stuff..skip..temple on sun..took care of the kids..was really tired..when sat went for their briefing..den sun morning woke up at 6 to go there and prepare..one whole day gone..i really need the time to prepare stuff for sch..and to rest..i really wish to sleep until very late..jus one weekend..sat or sun..sleep until 11..12..den wake up..i'll be very happy..my table is in a mess..the newly bought cupboard's still empty..

today i must really tink wad's wrong and wad to do before i sleep..

so busy..so tired..physically tired and mentally straining..these few weeks really very packed..until i could hardly breathe..last week got temple and old folks home celebration..need to go for rehearsal and performance..den school still got cny dinner..den gotta rush ehre and there..den many outings meetings and courses all clash with each other..felt frustrating..den this week oso got lotsa stuff again...temple got duty..go for training..this and that..sat got parents meeting gotta prepare..den stil got other stuff..don even have much time to go out with jaja or wad le..don think can celebrate our first v day together..thou i really wish to have a happy one..all so busy..it's jus up to me whether or not i wana go for wad i wan or not..it's so straining..

rushing sylabus..kids' grades dropping..no time to mark things..jus go for course one day..den i tok one week to mark the things tt they did on that day..actually i don wish to carry so many stuffs with me..but..my heart jus dono how to put down..and it's jus gets heavier and heavier..i really want my v day..i really wana sleep until late late den get up..i don wana keep sleeping at 2 3 am and get up at 8..i wana sleep more..i really want to..

today..flowers sent to school..shd be their beau ba..ha..last year more spectec..3 heart shape balloons..my sis will jus say..chey! crazy..this mornng jus quarreled with her..actaully i was jus graumbling a little..den she keep tinking i shdn't grumble..wad's the big deal..alone den alone parent meeting briefing la..last time oso like tat..if not ask principal to help u lo..or ask sweeping auntie to pei u..wad kind of shitty answer is that..she jus wana argue lo..and say i jus wana fight back for no reason..and stil say my character will upset lotsa ppl when i'm outside..as if she doesn't..den she say..where got..upset u ah..she jus doesn't have any idea..i don wana say anymore..everytime she'll jus say sth jus to get back for the sake of getting back..and she stil say me..

dono y..i jus feel like crying out to destress abit..thou i've like cried for at least 2 hours on tues and went to sch with a very sore eyes...sigh..when it comes to dono wad celebration wad day it'll jus makes me feel moody and upset dono for wad reason..

when can i really have a total rest of my heart? really wish to go to marche and order the baked potato..the drink i want..the dessert ice cream i like..really wish to go for a drink and sing now..jus suddenly wana go at this moment..now..sigh..it's jus so tiring..

i must keep reminding myself..persuading myself..psychoing myself..it's not gonna be like last time..there'll be none of any celebrations of anything..no festive celebration..no wadeva monthly celebration..no watever anniversary celebration..no no no! i must learn to celebrate by myself if i want..used to carry a heavy bag to walk around..but i dono how long i can still hang on..my shoulders are getting more and more painful..yet i don even have time to care bout it..ya..i dono how to take care of myself..jus can't be bothered..ailments all over..which one can i care..care bout this..the other comes..once used to it and it'll jus pass..wadeva happy or sad things..den everything is new again..

happy v day eveyone! no matter u're attached or not..hope u'll have a happy mood in this sweet season..may happiness and joy filled everyone's heart...stay happy!

feel so frustrated when things are too packed and dono y start to clash..and it's not jus 1 clash..but alot of clashes...

wed got jap lesson..i totally forgot about it..den temple oso got meeting..really don wish to miss the lesson actually..but must noe wad's the priority la..

and den..fri might be meeting for the temple performance thingy oso..and den..i jus got to noe today tt i need to go for a one day course at ntu buona vista..and den..i check my planner only to find out there's cny dinner for sch staff..oh man..i tot i have nothing de leh..how come everyhting clash..den wad am i going to do..i can imagine after a tiring day of lesson den gotta rush to beach road there for the dinner..and den to the performance discussion..it's nt that i don like to go..it's jus tt when everything clash i jus don feel good..den will either miss out this or that..

sat is the temple performance le..and den i think need to write dui4 lian2 for the deco of the stage..den sun is the old folks home cny celebration with the elders..den actually jaja dere got tuan2 bai4 wants me go de..hmm..

tmr most tiring day again..after morning course..den gotta cab back to sch and start the 9 period straight down timetable..sigh..and den hor..for my class the 2 teachers teaching my class are not dere..all like on long term mc..den like tat how i collect feedback on my form class kids how they're doing in their class? den parents meeting session how? tt's wad i worried bout..parents will sure ask..how's my kid doing in sch..wad can i say? i jus teach them pe and cme..all i can say is jus on their conduct..i stil din really get to noe them..den on that day if their other teachers don come den i die..den now wana get some feedback from them oso cannot cos they're not there..hmm..i really dono how leh..it's gonna be a big biG BIG problem..so many stuff to worry about..

these days i've been having lotsa strange nitemares...and oso lotsa dreams on sch stuff..it's nt that i worry alot..but..it's really really worrying when u really stand on my shoe..i really hope cny passes as fast as possible...and really hope feb will pass very fast oso..i tink march will be a better month for me..it's really killing me..all those stuffs..and the kind of timetables and class i get for this year..my p1 class i'm teaching has been marked by the level head for being the naughtiest class this year..u noe.i really tried to be fierce and scold them alot le..more fierce den their form teacher..but when i not around they start to dono do wad liao..den i tink some oredi go back tell their parents say i very fierce..heck la..as long as they're disciplined enuff and not make any trouble den very good liao..tt's my aim..dono y they always complain to me bout lotsa stuff..din hear them complain to other teachers..shit la..am i too close to them liao..i shdn't have laugh when i joke with them or when i find anything funny..but then i got scold them very fiercely leh..

so much stuff to mark and it's not dono how late oredi..tmr gotta wake up early..argh!!! oh my god..wad's happening to me..really feeling very bu4 shuang3 now..sheesh! everyone do have their won problems..i do have mine too...