exam period..busy with oral..compo..rushing to mark and give back students' work...

i jus calculated my average marks for oral..and jus like last year..i got a shock again..

my p2 class oral got 18.1/20...cos it's a good class..so it is expected...for p1..heard that others class average for compo is 16+/20 ...i got 17.8/20! i really got a shock..cos there's a few weaker students..and the jiat gandang student..on that very day he's still reading his eng storybooks while the others oredi settle down to look at the oral paper before proceeding to the oral teacher..i tot..gone case..sure fail..but end up he's nt the lowest..and the lowest is 13/20..i was like..woah!

but then..all this result need to pay a price for it..i did lotsa drilling..gave them lotsa exercise..repeat and repeat until my throat is sore..and everyday come back home there'll be an average of 5 to 6 stacks tt needs to be marked..sometimes really too tired..so everyday bring back home..bring back sch..everyday as heavy as stone..i oso dono how..am i jus inefficient or it's normal for me to bring so much things back..

nex week..marking p2 compo..meetings..temple commitments..this and that..everyday gotta reach sch by 8am..things cannot mark finish..it's getting tired..sometimes really dono how to continue anymore..sometimes will breakdown abit..but..as long as the students can get good grades..it's really worth it..

k..gotta jiayou and mark again le..JIAYOU!

i dono wad's wrong with me to be depressed easily..it just goes in a cycle..u can't cope with ur life now..gets sick all the time..tired..tt's y can't do ur work..can't do properly somemore..and cannot accomplished..tt's y low morale..ur things gets messy cos din pack..and recently i tend to lost my students' books..i can't find it..sad..i scolded them very harshly..thou it's a good class..cos they hand in rubbish to me..

back to the home..everyday quarrel again..in the middle of the night..always saying divorce all the time...jus bcos they don have the money and ability to divorce..if nt they'd have done that long time ago..and seems like man really could nt be trusted..either turn out to be a womaniser..or a gambler..or a 窝囊废..which do u prefer..

i can say that i lost faith in marriage..cos either the guy doesn't noe how to think of the other..or i oredi have that kind of phobia..long long time ago since i was 18..i oredi tell myself nt to get attached..no relationship..cos no matter who the guy was..i noe i will get hurt..and wad am i doing now..jus make a mess out of everything..this one messy..tt one messy..i don get sense of security..cos probably i don feel a sense of security for my own future..probably i jus feel it's so tired facing this world alone..

it's nt that i dono life is full of sufferings..it's jus tt sometimes really can't jump out of the circle..cos u're living in this world..everything is connected..u really need lotsa determination to jump out of it..and need to think of others too..wad's their impact without me around..

u noe..sometimes it's so scary when a person is depressed..cos even when u're standing beside the road u'll start to think wild..and feel that life is full of suffering and misery and just wanted to end it..just walk across the road..and u don need to think of everything..it seems like u'll clearly noe wad u want..and it's death..and at the moment u'll just do it w/o any second thoughts..sometimes i just feel so lucky that i din do anything silly at the point when i'm really feel depressed..

is it becos i can't think properly that's y i dono wad i want..or i'm not firm with it..or i'm jus not mature enuff to think..if i jus do wad i shd do and not wad i like..will i be really happy?i'm not happy with this kind of life at all..no matter how sad i still need to smile to the guard..smile to everyone..even if tired...

my back is always aching..and no matter how long i sleep..i can't sleep well..and remain tired..no matter how much medicine i gulp...i'm stil sick..wad's the purpose of eating medicine and throw away so much money..mum was like asking me if i can manage to save money or not..if i say i din say den she won want my money is it..if i don give she where got money buy things..there's so many things..

wake up ba..there's no perfect person or perfect solution in this world..

These days..i keep thinking that I'm a Miss Ten Dollar Girl. Why..cos everything that i wear from top to toe is usually 10 bucks..from top..dress..jeans..watch..shoes..jus tt due to my troublesome leg..occassionally will buy better and more ex shoes..now only got 2 branded shoes..1 sports nike shoes..wear le can fly..and 1 hush puppies sandals..wear le can oso fly..it's nt tt i go for branded..jus tt they're really like..durable..non-slip..and really good..cos it's to believe that a good shoe will take u to a good place...sound familiar rite..hee..actually if jaja din pay for it 1st..i would not have bought it la..thou he wanted to give me as a gift..but it's nt good to give ppl shoe..tt's y returned him the money instead..

Mummy dono why keep sayiny sis always doll up until very pretty pretty den go sch..and compare to me..oredi very bo chap..every week like wear the same outfit..it's nt tt i don have clothes to wear la..jus can't be bothered to wear until nice nice..den wear nice nice den gotta wear my high sandals blah blah..walking oredi got problem liao..carrying so much stuff..i oso dono y my bag become heavier everyday..

Sigh..I'm somehow confirm to do the tranlsation degree in SIM..if not for the sum of money mum gave me..i guess i'd have worried bout the sch fees alot..now even with no subsidies or anything..the bills still can be settled ba..scrimp abit lo..now get only 1k plus..den half of the salary goes to mum..left bout 500..which is just nice for me..i dono how i can save more money..every bring bread to sch eat..transport bo bian need to spend..only thing i could save on is don go out too often lo..and if go out don buy anything at all lo..and order the cheapest thing ot of those that i could eat or like to eat..

i really feel very tired now..diarrea for almost a week..now stomach stil nt very good..even thou on medication..smetimes stil stomachache..plus the long hours spent on temple stuff...it's really tiring..i'm now oredi very scared tt time management will be a problem..how to cope with the stress of rushing from school all the way to study place..and end up late everytime..i'll be very stress..everytime late and late and can't catch wad the lecturer is saying..if there's a choice who doesnt want an easy way out..ppl like me treating everything very seriously..even write a reflection only took me like... 3 hours to read and write it out?den gotta check grammar this and that..

don need to wait until old..and all my ailments start to show..fall sick easily..cannot climb too much stairs cos knee will pain..dono y shoulder start to ache alot no matter how i massage..tried to do some exercise like cycling den start to get muscleache..den cos tired work will start to build up cos slow..and no mood to do..and it becomes a cycle lo..i really don like this kind of me..i got see doctor..but wad other things can i do...i really long long time din really eat until nice and full le..cos of the diarrea..eat abit den bloated..den it affects my teaching mood..sometimes dono y jus feel so tired and not feeling well until cannot stand..gotta sit down..

this isn't the kind of life that i want..unhealthy..negative..i shd try to do sth to it so tt everything flows again..i really really do..