Mama sick until very jialat..she has been very xin ku..miserable since Friday nite..and coughing..and weeping...cough until her nose bleed..she cannot take it..and she cries and cries..she did not sleep a wink cos she coughs through the nite..friday went to see doctor not well..sun morning went back bcos she couldn't just buy medicine like that..

i couldn't understand her misery....doctor say she has 气管炎...it's different from her last time cough..now is infecting the pipe..if her fever is still not down..she'll have to go to the hospital tmr..sis will take urgent paid leave..

i couldn't experience her misery...i had the same illness as her..cough until very jialat..in pain..cough through the nite..but i can't understand why she's so serious until she cry...while i always try to hide it up and not to let er or others in the family noe how serious i am..i will just eat medicine and medicine and no matter how miserable i'll just weep by myself..she..will cry until the whole neighbourhood knows that she's crying..i couldn't blame her..cos she has a weak heart and weak mind and she really couldn't take it..

when there's someone who has long term illness..yelling and whining..everyone in the family won be happy..and maybe..sometimes..irritated..i tried to care..but she just want to stay away from me so that i won get infected..

i still remember the last time during secondary school..she sick until she weeped..i kneel in front of the god and prayed that she could transfer half of her illness to me..yes..i did succeed..but why nt this time..i guess i need to pray harder for it..

but the thing is...我自身难保..can't afford to get sick either..so many stuff for me to do..maybe the dilemna in me that's y..which responsibility shd i let go..i guess for this crucial month i'm really nt prepare to suffer for the sake of my mum...or can i just owe it first and pay back later..haha..it's nt as simple as that..

it's a very silly thought..rite..

these few days have been thinking alot about the past..the sad past..of mum..the family..and me..recalled alot of things..i knew i shouldn't be thinking about it..but under this situation..i couldn' stop thinking..it just affects everyone's mood..

i pray very very hard for her to get well..pray she can settle her mind and let go of all her pessimistic thoughts and be neutral for it to recover..i pray she can mind over body like me to win the battle..and i really really pray......the person dealing with the battle.....will be me ....

mama coughing very very badly..really very badly..the virus keep spreading between dad and mum..mum cough until nose got blood..she blames dad for going to the casino to work..it's nt for us to earn..they have being taking "shifts" to be sick..and dad..he denied all resposibility that he spread it to mum..mum has oredi somehow got well..aft tt kana again..he keeps thinking that he's nt his fault..everything all not his fault..and all he does is scold her..curse her to go and die...wad did he care..he doesn't noe any hygiene..cough still eat cold and spicy stuff..nvr covers his mouth..

today..sis says: u better see properly who u're going to marry..if nt u'll suffer for ur whole life..marrying such a 大男人..suffer all her life..

the thought of all this..my mind flickers a scene where dad really drove mum to death..how shd i treat my dad..will i ever forgive him..

yes..i have phobia..一生被这个家锁绑着...什么也不能够安心做...there's no way to free myself up..i couldn't think of any..ppl can happily go out and play..i can't..at the back of my mind there's always school work and family for me to dwell on..it's just like in this family..there will only be the 4 of us suffering..no more..no less..there's no way to get any one of us out..all of us are trapped together..this is the feeling that we're all getting..nothing will change..cos they don want any changes..this bad "kharma" keeps rotating in the family..and it just won stop..i can't leave either..if i get out..i'll be shot to death by my guilt for leaving them behind..that kind of 沉重的心情 no matter how just won go away..

just like now..in the middle of the night..mum is coughing..can't sleep properly..we don dare to sleep..sis is purposely sleeping in the living room so that she noes when mum calls..the crying and yelling from mum in the middle of the night..is pessimistic and depression just seep through all of us in the house..i tried to go out..i tried to run away..but even if i leave the house the echoing of the cries will still be there..it reminds me of during one of the times when i'm in secondary school and she's weeping in front of me that she's gg to die..miserably..

a "palmist" who read my palm says ".....u underperform..u have a conservative family that ties you up"...i knew wad he meant..some things are just fated even when u're born..........

yes..i rather have a life with ups and downs..let me experience the pain and suffering that many others don..in order for me to really grow in the mind..and the heart..

Today,a student went crazy n doesn't want to go for lesson..i held him down..and drag him back to the classroom..he went for counselling..

these days there's alot of student getting crazy..hitting ppl up..and pushing the teachers away..even in p1..

wad kind of world is this now?

These few days.....was testing 8 classes for music..used up all my free period to test them..it's like having 11 periods straight down..it's really very tiring..but there's no other time to test them..need to do it before psle marking period...

fri...only 3 periods free..went to this class..that class..and finally end of the day..mon..meet in the morning..again...11 periods down...i saw many pairs of eyes looking at me when i go up and down the stairs and walked pass them so many times...and sitting outside the classroom like punishing the kids...everyone is looking at what i am doing...mon nite..went to temple as there's duty..i just doze off and didn't listen to the lecture..i really couldn't help it..

on the way back..there's only me and my dad..it's a 10 min long walk including climbing a tall overhead bridge..i did not say a word..or look at him either..the "开心果" in me is really tired..tired until i don wan to say a word..i just walk and walk..anf fell asleep immediately when i sat at the sofa until the next morning again..

i'm afraid of exams..this is the first time i did not touch any of my textbooks..and my assignment got the lowest out of all that i did last time..even though i asked others to do double check for me..kana scolded for my poor language..but it's really difficult to handle both school and work..my kids are having exam soon..i should prepare them well..but..i knew i did not do my very best..if nt they would have done better..wad i can only do is to wish and hope that they are hardworking enuff to go and revise themselves..两头不到岸...again..

吵，吵，吵，吵多一点。静，静，静，不要再吵了。凌晨6点，像公鸡一样，大家都起来了。真好！

this week is really tough...

mon...reached school at 8am to mark p3 compo....and for the whole week need to reach school by 8am for oral....really work from morning til nite...plus going to school...but i'm oredi very fortunate...if i din go for my nite class..all teachers are complaining that it's a hell week..for me..as long as there's no nite class for me..no assignment for me to hand in..everything will be very fine..i don mind all the tons of school work i have..one assignment can just pull half of my time out on it..now is the phobia of exam coming and i din even touch any of the textbooks at all...

sigh..sometimes i really wonder y get married..if one party is very keen and the other is not..doesn't it seems to feel lonelier if u're just the only one who's happy about it and the other one is not...does the person u're going to spend with really treat u well? or influecing each other negatively? i somehow oredi see some stuff...some haven get married tgt..i can see their divorce as an ending..or either one suddenly throw temper and everything is cancelled on the day of marriage..should i really go and bless them even if i knew it's nt a good ending? i really tot of it for a very very long time whether i shd go for their wedding..or not..

everything exist for a reason...maybe some things u gotta experience it before u knew what's really good for u..