i guess my depression is back..1st symptom..doesn't know how to make decision..and will keep making decision that will make myself sad..2nd..couldn't sleep well..even everyday sleep for 4 to 5 hours for weeks i still won feel tired at all..i gotta play and play game..or cry myself to sleep everynite..3rd..trying to make everyone around me unhappy and trying to drive everyone away and wants to be alone by myself..

i was wondering after so many years of surpression of always choosing things that i don like to do..wad would i become? everytime whenever i choose sth that i like and stay firm with it..wad i get is quarrels and quarrels in the family just becos of me..and this always make me regret wadeva decision that i made..when i was young..even small things like forcing me to buy a clothes that i won wear..they force me to wear i don wear..end up whole family don go out for dinner..go for school trip to china..mum cry for the few weeks and came back quarrel over and over again for days..kana scolded for being sick..all these are just deep inside on my mind that wadeva decision that i made for myself..i'll just let the whole family quarrel..and end up i never ever made any decision again..and i always made the decision that they like..instead of sth that i like..and end up i just regretted cos i din choose wad i want..and this becomes a habit..making decisions that will make me upset and regret..choosing over sth that i like..and sth that won make family quarrel..wad can i choose..end up..i'll just don choose anything..and just lead a dull life again and just let ppl decide for me wad i shd do..and i will just follow and say nothing..

is there anything choosing disorder..i think i'm going to breakdown being a must to decide wad i shd do..if i dono how to decide..just stay with my dull life and live with a dull family suan le..i fight for myself..wad do i get..all the negative things..i've been in such a dilemna over choosing until i just feel sad over every decision that i've decide..so wad for i decide..i dono how to live in this world anymore..i really dono..can i just stop..it's so tired living in this world..can i just stop everything..i don want to live until so tired..just living for the others when i couldn't even live for myself..bcos i gotta consider all the factors..how come being selfish and being unselfish both just makes me so miserable..i really dono how to live this kind of life anymore..really..

just bought a new hp..and the hp cover haven arrive yet..den i'm thinking of buying a pouch first so that i can put in my hp and it won get scratched easily..den..jaja says..aiya..u not so niang one la..put hp into the pouch is just not u...to him..he doesn't mind my boyish character..he knows even if i have the pouch..end up i oso din use..but the thing is my hp now really kana scratched alot..esp at the screen..sigh..new hp..

thursday..shopping day..we "toured" around northeast line..
hougang: shop and eat dinner
kovan: collect my jeans
serangoon: went to jaja house to get some books
potong pasir: home sweet home

everything within 3 hours..i bought a bag($10), small wallet($2), coax dress($15.50)..everything's on sale..left shoe nvr buy..if nt will be a full set..haha..the things that i bought just nice for me to wear pretty pretty and go ion orchard shop liao..can't resist..everything is sale sale sale..all half price..discounts..

the more i buy..the more empty i feel..sometimes i just feel stress..so i buy..i dono y i work so hard for..until i don have time to go out..don have enuff time to sleep..don have time for proper meal..i'm always hungry..just becos every tue and wed nite i can't have a proper meal..if i don eat..where do i have the energy to run and chiong..so i just eat..no matter wad..eat more rather than eat less..i noe myself that i'm getting thinner..it's unhealthy..i gotta eat it back! who cares about fat or not..i just want to to healthy! don always say u're fat..you are just you..as long as u're healthy..u're pretty..at most don eat so much titbits..but don ever try to don eat or eat very little and make urself hungry..the body will secrete juice that makes u fatter..

i tend to get afraid of getting up..i don have motivation to bath..cos everytime u bath..u sleep..just becos u need to get ready to wake up very early the next day to work..i start to get stress symptoms..like how come other ppl can go and have fun but i cannot..how come they don need to do those things but i gotta do..how come other ppl gets help when they need but i don have..i noe that asking so many how come is no use..end up everything will still be the same..i still have to do my stuff..still gotta sleep less..still gotta work hard..i noe life won be so easy and simple for me..sometimes suddenly there's just some cock up until i don even have the time to breathe and other things come again..but i noe that all this will just make me appreciate life more..that time is important that i shouldn't drain it away..no matter i'm playing or studying or working..as long as i'm seriously doing wad i'm doing..i'm not wasting it..better than others who still dono wad they're doing..

i really need time..time..can u just tick slower..i really need you..

我，薛美华，正迈向23岁努力冲刺，做每一件事情都不曾放弃过；忙碌的事业，繁忙的课业，艰难的生活。但回头一看，生活的起伏，已成了习惯；再怎么艰难，再怎么磨练，我...还是我。

national day celebration in school was over..they had a great time playing the games that i designed..and i overheard the parent volunteers said the games were fun..i really felt a sense of satisfaction after all the anxiety i had before that..took a cab to sch and reach at 6am in the morning..checking if the equipment were there..

i shdn't have worn the new shoe..and i got blisters..i was so lost of wad to do..jus running here and there dono wad i shd do..lucky there were ppl guiding me and teachers helping..i could see even some teachers were playing the chaptehs by themselves..and they were like all going haywire too..ha..

noise from them is a norm..i really thot there would be cock up..but..end up i jus worry over nth..but really thanks to all the help and guidance from the teachers..if nt i realy won noe wad to do..

i really wish to take photos when they were playing the game..as a momento..the first time planning games for lower primary sports day..but too bad..i was too busy to take any pictures..but there're photographers taking..i hope i could get it from them..my class they were so happy..and said they won first in 1 or 2 games..i dono..i was so busy to notice anything..

these days i'm really busy..studying and marking my stuff..there was one girl who came up to me and got to know me because she's been seeing me in all the module that she took..and i found out that she was a year 3 student..while i took those module when i'm only in sem 1..i really worried..althou i noe i can't change anything now but to keep on with wad i had now..

cme book needs to be checked..and i started to flip thru the book for unmark pages..and as i saw the family photos that they paste in..i felt so blissful for them..and on the other hand..i really envy that they had such a great family..and i dono y i started to have watery eyes as i saw more and more photos..they went out for family day..went for overseas trip..but wad i have is only grumbling form mumearly in the morning on how pain she iswith her rheumatism..how lazy dad is and nvr help out in any housework..morning is the best time for me to mark and study..and all the grumbling jus make me out of the mood to do anything..she just reminding me to how painful i am in this family..i am aching all over all the time..i din even grumble at all..i don even have the time to bother over these small little things..i jus want to finish my own stuff..I REALLY DON HAVE THE TIME!

i'm so glad that i had a break after national day celebration..and today..the first time out of so many times..tt i really felt full..i was so hungry everyday ever since my lesson stsrted..everytime went there i couldn't have a proper meal..but to but small snacks to eat..i don have the mood to eat when i'm alone..nor here nor there..but i oredi tell myself to eat no matter how busy..so i ate..but i was nvr full..at home..i jus always feel bloated with all the dono wad water and drink and herbal tea..and always stuff me with food and food and food..but i was nvr full..

and now..i feel bloated after eating two and a half bun..but i'm not full at all..

i can't go anywhere jus bcos i'm studying..althou ppl said..wah..very good..lesson only twice a week..but the thing is..i'm working..i need to study..i need to mark my books..i don even have the time to go out..and i can't go for holidays jus bcos i need to do my assignment..i like the course i'm taking..but i don like this kind of life..jaja say..this sem is the toughest..as long as it's over ur life will be better..it's not even one month yet..and i'm starting to feel that i couldn't cope..i neglected alot of things..no guitar..no gym..no dating..no matter how much time i squeeze..my body coulsn't take it..i need breaks..i need to watch tv..watch drama..go out to breathe some fresh air..and i'll be marking very slowly if i feel stress..sometimes just no mood to mark...i really cannot help it..i really force myself to mark..and force myself to sleep more on the bus..4 more months to go..i have to force myself to take it..there are also ppl out there striving very hard to live..i must...too..