A very difficult fight with my illness
Yes it was a very difficult fight. It has been a week since I am terribly sick. I am still feeling terrible when I'm writing this. What's wrong with me?
I have tonsilics, white spots appear on the inner throat deep inside, just like when people have ulcers on their lips. Mine is inside, and many. At first I didn't spot it, just have fever and just don't subside. The doctor don't want to give me antibiotic in the 1st place, and gave me strong panadol trying to suppress my fever. End up no use, I've finished 14 tablets of panadol, 2 pills 4 times. I am someone who doesn't know how to swallow pills and will gulp alot of water to force it down. Everytime I've eaten, I'll wait for myself to sweat. Sweat until drip water. The whole shirt and towel is wet, but I can't help it. I didn't study for my exam at all, and I started to vomit before the day of exam . On the day of exam, I popped a pill before going for the exa
. I couldn't care so much. Lucky it was just a half hour "do or die" paper. After the paper I was so happy, happy not because I've finished my exam, but I felt much better. This is the only afternoon that I can sleep well for the whole week.
However, everything comes back in the evening. I went to see doctor again. This time the doctor gave me antibiotic, and say my throat isn't that sore, but I know it's the throat that makes me have high fever. So I used a mirror to look at my own throat, and found a few white big ulcers at the side of my throat. I was shocked. I had the same symptom my sis had. According to the Internet it will take 3-4 weeks for it to recover. But the following Sunday I will be going overseas. How?
Luckily, Hui Jun recommended a Chinese physician who is good at curing throat infection and fever, so I ask Jaja send me there. I've already missed alot school activities and I felt so guilty. The medicine is good. It cures my throat. In order for me to get well faster for Bali, the doctor aak me to eat the medicine every hour.
But my stomach is already spoilt by the amount of medicine I took. I took western medicine and Chinese medicine by just 2 hour gap. My stomach cannot take it. Even though I'm not eating panadol, but I'm still sweating and dripping water every minute. Why? Because every hour after eating medicine, I will wait for myself for my stomach to feel unwell and wait in the toilet for myself to puke. I will start to cough, and my mouth will start to have the sour gastric fluid, and will have the feeling of vomitting. But I force myself not to vomit. No matter sit, stand, walk, I tried different method,laughing, or even chanting, but that kind of miserable feeling doesn't get better. Sometimes the heart will pound so fast that it hurts. I try to grab hold of my heart to make myself feel better. Can't. I try to sit in front of laptop to watch drama and forget the feeling. Can't. I feel so miserable that I have go always go in and out of toilet to get ready to puke, or suddenly leave my chair and lie on the bed without switching off the laptop. I have to be hardworking and keep on eating medicine in order to get well just to go bali. Even when I know it doesn't make me feel well, I will eat medicine one mast time before I go to bed. And in the middle of the night I will walk around in the dark living room just to make my stomach feel better. There are many times I was so irritated, i wanted to throw my temper, i wanted to throw tantrum, I threw my medicine on the floor, but end up just cry to steam out that temper in me, and later try to put a smile on my face cos I know being angry and sad isn't good for the health but happy does. I repeated the same thing almost everytime I couldn't take it. Angry, sad, smile.
On the day when my medicine is finishing, I tell myself: tomorrow I will go and see doctor again. Don't tolerate anymore and just vomit. In the end I did. I feel much better when I went to sleep.
Today, I went to see the Chinese doctor again. It's a suay day for Jaja. So I told him to leave early for his badminton. It was a hot day, I was sweating profusely and sat at the staircase beside the clinic for half an hour before it open. As I was sitting there, I felt so awkward. I'm too lethargic to use my phone or anything. I just sat there. I very much wanted and needed someone to be by my side. It seems like I was fighting this battle alone, although Jaja keep telling me not to be sad, not to worry. But the most important thing is I felt very uncomfortable. I don't know how long I'm going to suffer, but I know I shouldn't make him sad or unhappy because of me. It's good that he has friends to acc him eat and play these few days. This is something yet so simple but I could not do.
Now you know why I am always smiling so happily? That's when I'm healthy. To me, being healthy is the most simplest reason that I should feel happy for myself. I'm wondering the feeling I have now will it be the same as those people who are suffering from cancer going through those chemotherapy, where they feel miserable every hour, every minute. No wonder people says fighting a long term disease is difficult to be happy. I myself couldn't do that, no matter how hard I try to make myself laugh, smile, I find it better to cry out when in pain. At least tears can be the substitution of the pain and let it out of the body.
I really admire those people who stay by the sick and take care of them. If it's me I really cannot. How I know, because right now, at the same time, mum is coughing badly in the other room in the middle of the night. Her sleepless night is more than mine. Now, I suddenly remember the vow that I said to shoulder half of mum's suffering. Both aren't sleeping tonight, together fighting a fierce battle. She too couldn't take it and cried many times for help, but nobody can help us but ourselves.
There are many times I really wanted to go inside her room to hug her, but I can't cos virus will spread. I am so afraid of virus and sometimes get too paranoid, and clean and clean, disinfect again and again. Cos I know once I get the virus it's another long battle.
How many times have I paced around in and out of the toilet to get ready to puke. I've lost count. But if this is what I need to go through, or my mum, I hope it will end really soon. And will going Bali really be a reward for me?given this present status....?
My lifelong goal: to find a doctor just enough to cure me or my mum, that is already good enough.
