mama coughing very very badly..really very badly..the virus keep spreading between dad and mum..mum cough until nose got blood..she blames dad for going to the casino to work..it's nt for us to earn..they have being taking "shifts" to be sick..and dad..he denied all resposibility that he spread it to mum..mum has oredi somehow got well..aft tt kana again..he keeps thinking that he's nt his fault..everything all not his fault..and all he does is scold her..curse her to go and die...wad did he care..he doesn't noe any hygiene..cough still eat cold and spicy stuff..nvr covers his mouth..

today..sis says: u better see properly who u're going to marry..if nt u'll suffer for ur whole life..marrying such a 大男人..suffer all her life..

the thought of all this..my mind flickers a scene where dad really drove mum to death..how shd i treat my dad..will i ever forgive him..

yes..i have phobia..一生被这个家锁绑着...什么也不能够安心做...there's no way to free myself up..i couldn't think of any..ppl can happily go out and play..i can't..at the back of my mind there's always school work and family for me to dwell on..it's just like in this family..there will only be the 4 of us suffering..no more..no less..there's no way to get any one of us out..all of us are trapped together..this is the feeling that we're all getting..nothing will change..cos they don want any changes..this bad "kharma" keeps rotating in the family..and it just won stop..i can't leave either..if i get out..i'll be shot to death by my guilt for leaving them behind..that kind of 沉重的心情 no matter how just won go away..

just like now..in the middle of the night..mum is coughing..can't sleep properly..we don dare to sleep..sis is purposely sleeping in the living room so that she noes when mum calls..the crying and yelling from mum in the middle of the night..is pessimistic and depression just seep through all of us in the house..i tried to go out..i tried to run away..but even if i leave the house the echoing of the cries will still be there..it reminds me of during one of the times when i'm in secondary school and she's weeping in front of me that she's gg to die..miserably..

a "palmist" who read my palm says ".....u underperform..u have a conservative family that ties you up"...i knew wad he meant..some things are just fated even when u're born..........

yes..i rather have a life with ups and downs..let me experience the pain and suffering that many others don..in order for me to really grow in the mind..and the heart..