it's been some time since i stayed at home on a sunday...the feeling's..a little wierd...

one of my colleague gave me this..so nice! she made it herself de.. start of sim school..my friday class..sigh..think i'll always be late for it..and i spent 25 bucks on taxi fare..this will continue for all the friday lessons...i think i'll keep saying " i want to save money for taxi fare" this year..

played badminton last week..and played again with my colleagues this week..jaja say i really improve alot..wana buy a good badminton for me..i don wan..wait too ex i don dare smack..but it feels great..everyone is tired..but i still feel very energetic..

parent's meeting on saturday was sth which make me perk up for the whole day...parents bombarding me with questions..i dono if i answered well..but i tried my best to answer their questions..i just felt a big force of power pressing on me..but after i left the classroom i felt better..being the p2 cl head..i felt more cofident in speaking..i dono..or maybe cos due to the experience i have..and oso i need to think of how to answer them without telling them things that they shdn't know..i gotta twist it until i don say the things i shdn't tell them..it's difficult..

being i teacher is difficult..but fun

i think i have been over responsible on my duty in school...

the head is asking for lesson plan for reading lesson..it was really a headache..it's been bugging me for a few weeks le..rushing other ppl to do their own story book's lesson plan..chase for ages yet cannot chase finish de..i don wan it to bug me anymore..so i help to coop from others and do lo..if not it will keep on bugging and bugging..i just don wan to let this thing bug me anymore so i just do lo..at least i won get headache over this thing again..so i just did it..

tedious..but i find it worth it..another problem settled..that's it..if not this thing will just like taichi go round and round forever won end de..from now on..it will end here..ended by me..yes..feel so satisfied to collate everything..perfect! i don mind the work..i don get bug by it den can oredi..

and now..there's peace..

my p2 class is a high ability class...and yet...more than 6 of my pupils fail their first spelling this year..why? i keep asking myself how to push them to let them have the standards that they shd have..

p1 is the same...i randomly test some of them han yu pin yin...they couldn't even read out the pin yin that i wrote on the board..even their form teacher was sick due to shouting and screaming at them..i make them feel guilty by saying they drove their teacher until she's sick..if they don wana study just drive me away..

and then..2 pupils laugh at a smaller size kid while he was collecting their workbooks..i scolded them..one gal..still noe how to cry..i let her sit down..the other one..scold until puke blood still no reaction..

today their form teacher's nt here...2 different chinese teacher went in for relief...one said they like to move around...throw paper on the floor and din pick up...the other said..this class is different from other p1 class..they'll know how to talk back to the teacher....and jaja walk pass the class..they happily go to the toilet without any teacher around..and kana scolded..

my autistic kid...every 5 min i gotta check whether he's doing his work..it slows me down and the whole class down..i'm behind my schedule..

after p1 i went to my p2 class..i was explaining the "good habits booklet" to them..i think i said some touching stuff that i felt touched myself..things tt i've nvr said before to them..

i know teaching is not about shouting..but when talking doesn't work..shouting is really an immediate cure to the noise in the class..

but..the more i shout..the further i'm away from them..

i shouldn't shout..it spoils my throat..and it doesn't make them turn better..

i saw my p1 class form teacher how she uses soft approach to her students..i think it works..plus the technique i learnt during temple lessons..no matter how difficult the class is...it will turn out to be better...

so...i talk to them nicely about 7 ppl failing my spelling..i dono how they are going to answer to their parents..i don need to scold..their parents will do the job..i don want to do double work or give them double scolding..sometimes i just feel it's my fault that they couldn't score well cos i reallly can do things to make them revise spelling in sch and don need to revise at home at all..but i din..cos time doesn't permits me to do that..tt's y i gotta let go and let them learn by themselves..

to me..whether they have any achievements is none of my business..but i know alot of kids will find joy to have good results as they will be happy when their parents are happy about it..i want them to be happy..not just becos they need to score well for the sake of me..

i'm not telling u to give me 100 marks..i said..as long as u try ur best..cos the 100 marks that u get now..u can't take it with you to p3...p4..p5..p6...but as long as u're hardworking and tried ur best..ur grades will improve..tt's y having a heart to try ur best is much more important than having 100 marks now..

i noe i said alot to them..i think bcos nowadays adults always talk to them about grades and grades..and nobody ever taught of teaching them the right attitude towards studying..tt's y they're so result oriented..tt's y i always talk to my class..give them "lectures"..usually is scold until say "lectures"..i saw some ppl nodding their head..i dono how long this effect will be on them..but i hope this will change them...

today..the boy whom i scolded yesterday....whom i talked to him nicely...who promise me he won take anything out to play during lesson today....he did it..he didn't take anything out to play..i praised him..he was so so so happy about it...i should remind myself to praise my students..and also to chite chat with them..i shouldn't be stingy about it..i shouldn't turn to be a "scolding machine"..

after much thinking..i felt better..having the right attitude is the most important in doing anything..

it has been a great help attending those temple lectures..

after attending the lesson on sunday..i used the tactnic taught on a rebellious student who doesn't hand in work and don listen to lessons..i tried to communicate with him..in the end..i knew wad's the problem..he find te work too difficult..and he don wan to ask his mother..so i said if he doesn't know he can ask me..

althou it's not 100% that he'll change..at least i know wad's wrong with him..

i need help..i really need help...to make my workload easier..and the most effective way is to cure the core of the problem..which is student..y student don wan to listen in class..y they're not motivated to learn..

i should stand strong..i shdn't be the weakling me complaining about this and that..after all..我只是在红尘走一回...

everyone around me in the school is talking about studying masters...

i'm one of the few minorities who haven gotten my degree yet..wad more to say for masters..

again...everyone is jioing everyone to go and study together..

principal ask him..how come never wait for me..

his answer is...even if take now oso study at the same time but diff stuff at diff place ma..

everyone tends to find ppl to pei them to do things together...for me..it doesn't matter..having been doing things alone through the years..so be it..

for so many years..even when staying at home with family members around..feels more alone than ever..so be it..

what has this family turning into?

everyday..it's just cold war or a breakout..fierce fighting..scolding..shouting at ppl..and even poor starhub ppl who is promoting his service oso kana..i've really have enuff of it..

sometimes i just wish to get married and just officially leave this family..but another fear of jumping into another one like this makes me stay put of this thought..

i don think most of the family are like tat..either they're unhappy..they divorce..and they won quarrel with each other another..at least the family stay in a peaceful without a family member around..rather than hating each other and staying together just to hurt themselves..and others..

i noe no matter how i wish to leave..i can't leave this house..this house is full of hatred..suspicion..fear..anger..depression..and this kind of atmosphere is affecting me..deep down in me for so many years..

staying in hostel is my most happy time..at least i noe the house will not quarrel so much bcos of me..

if u ask me if i have the time..wad can i exchange for..i wish i can use the time to change the situation in the family..cos it's getting from worse to worse..going to the temple and pray is not wad i need..wad i need is practical stuff..some solid time with everyone..

being in this family makes me so tired..it's more tired than my cockup timetable in school..cos a cockup timetable just screw u up for a year..but a screw up family screw u up forever..

i am a girl..i feel alot and i mind it alot alot..i though my act silliness and childishness will make the mood in the family better..but it doesn't make mum's better..i tried to stay away..end up a sis who doesn't understands says i do not care at all..i tried to care..but dad doesn't care at all..wad is really wrong with the family..and the elders doesn't want to solve the problem at all..wad can i do..

sometimes i really need a pat or a hug from them..but i never ever get any..

if my time can really exchange for peace in the family..i'll put down everything and do anything for it..

it's really great to have a taste of bubu tea after a tired day...

my colleague was asking me..."don u feel happy? it's friday! don need to see them for the next few days and have a break!" to me..my mind is all about how to handle them for the rest of the year...8 different classes of music is making me puke..first time i teach until my voice cannot take it..repeating stuff again and again..it's so monotonous..when i dono how to teach..they're too young to learn the music that i wanted to teach them..when i'm like using half english and chinese to teach music using an english music textbook..

i wish they change the timetable until i'm free for the last one or two periods..den i can save some money on cabs to unisim..

mpre and more stuff coming up..and more and more names of me everywhere..it's like everything that's gotta do with P2 chinese i gotta handle..parents calling up to ask about P2 stuff will be transferred to me..i dono wad i'll become when i start my studies again..i've been going to school earlier than last year these few days..

i'm afraid..that i start to shine again..will everything stay the same..will i still shine and smile so carefreely as before..i noe deep inside my heart i'm very afraid to take up the job..to take up so many jobs..and ppl keep calling my name..and even parent telling principal tt i have taught her kids well...praising me for teaching well..the more i hear..the more afraid i am..

to others...wad's there to be afraid..i'm afraid because i haven reach there yet..i don expect myself to reach there..i seem to have responsibility everywhere..be it as a small CL head..as a student..as a daughter..as a gf..or as a dyber..i haven grow yet (mentally) to be prepared for all these..

although my self confidence is low..i know i will subconciously be carrying a very heavy burden on my mind..i know i will be very stress up for no reason..i just gotta try and do my best

live with no fear and no regret...try my very best and live to the fullest..

shit man..kana aim more arrows...in the welfare group now too...

just yesterday..heard from the exco committee that i'm very "hot" everyone is snatching me..tt's y end up in pe committee but din teach pe and teach music instead..pe wants asthetic wants..chinese oso want..den she say cannot like that..i don have 三头六臂..i oso dono where i am now..althou they say they'll put me into aesthetic com since i'm teaching music instead..

oh gosh..i don even noe how to teach music..den when i finished my music lesson i saw another teacher teaching music..so i just pop by and sit in for awhile and see how to teach..

being P2 Convenor is stressed..there's alot of fluctuation here and there until i can't even send out my scheme of work..wait drag too long not good..den gotta send this and that for printing..i oso dono la..it's so luan

today 4 periods of p1 together..every wednesday..for all p1 chinese teachers..it's really a kiler man..cannot take it....plus after that still have another 2 periods of chinese..really wana puke le..so at night went for gym lessons and just dance to destress..dance until cannot take it still dance..

2010..here i come!

It's just the starting of a new year..and i oredi kana alot of stuff in school..

-P2 CL head
-teaching 8 different class of music (i don have music background)
-in pe committee althou i don teach pe anymore (they say might need me to teach putizhang)
-one of the ic during fire alarm (thou they say there's nth to do de)

but the lucky thing is i'm not form teacher..everytime admin stuff will take up a lot of time..

my sim lessons for the first sem shd be mon and fri..and den for my timetable...mon last period got lesson...CL banding somemore..i gotta cab to sim le..12 weeks leh..20 bucks each time..shd be 240 bucks..sigh..really waste money..but i don wana be late for lesson..it's so difficult to squeeze time to study le..it's better for me to go for my lesson and listen attentively..

i'm now fatter than usual (46+kg)..but i guess i'll slim down when i start to get busy..

2009 is a year where i really started teaching for the whole year..and til now..already past one and a half year..it's so fast..and it oso means me and my bf oso noe each other for about..1 and a half year or more? there are really lots of times when there are clashes between us cos out thinking is really opposite of each other sometimes..sometimes it's good..and sometimes it's bad..cos we couldn't understand y we tink so differently sometimes and sure there'll be quarrels..but from wad i feel is that it's still better to pak tor when u're older..den u noe wad u want..cos studying and working is a totally different thingy..u can find someone tt u like and pak tor while studying..but working is another thingy..u need to consider lotsa factors..and mindset and thinking is really different..tt's from my experience la..the relationships tt i'm getting in is more and more stable as i grow up..

plans for 2010

- live healthily..so as not to fall sick ( falling sick is just wasting more of my time..time is precious!) which means
1. sleep latest by 1, wake up by 8
2. drink at least 1 litre of water per day in school
3. exercise at least on or twice a week (i just sign up another 2+1 year)
4. when it's time to eat...just eat!
5. cut down time on watching drama and tv
6. bath latest by 11pm (unless i go for sim classes)
7. do not fall asleep on the sofa or computer
8. go to the bed and sleep!

actually all this is just a continual of wad i wanted to do from last year..just that after some time i didn't follow very closely

u noe..actually i've been thinking...that studying is just a waste of time..after all the talks about the world ending in 2012...and being so busy while studying and working..i dono y i make myself so busy..and just for the sake of getting a degree and higher pay..is it worth it..or not..i've really given up alot of stuff tt i wanted to do..guitar..caligraphy..jap class..wushu..old folks home...i seem to have a smaller circle and lost alot of frenz cos i couldn't catch up with them..does tt make me someone who doesn't treasure my frenz? no..i really wanted to...i really have the heart to do lots of things..but time doensn't permit it..

i still have my dream of being a volunteer...and going overseas to help the needy...i dono when i can do it..althou i noe i must DO IT NOW..but sometimes just really tied up to alot of things..

i wanted to be nice to my family..but they're being hostile to each other until i dono how to change the situation..and becoming like them instead..i don wan to be like that..but i dono how to stop it..

i'm still dreaming of my dream house..with the glass window tt stretch from top to bottom..and having a comfortable bed and sofa..tv plus all the karaoke sound system and wii..where i can sing and play with my loved ones...not forgetting my study room filled with cupboards and cupboards to put my books..and a cosy corner to read my books..by the glass window..

i've been looking forward..yet feeling afraid..tt it's nt so easy to achieve wad i wanted..

i met a ladyat the gym..asking lotsa practical questions like how many Cs do u want ur partner to have..or things like would u rather take 200k or a good location house..love or bread..to me..money is really not important..if u do not have ur health and happiness..do u tink u really can be happy to spend it alone..

i rather take the house and a not so rich husband..so that we have something to work towards to..to fill up wad we tink is lack of..and work towards not the typical 5Cs...but compassion..care..concern..towards each other and everyone..i rather live short life and have a happy life instead of a long and unhappy life..

everytime i see people who are rich buying lotsa branded bags i wanted to faint liao..jaja says those are just stupid woman..it's nt sth that they need..it's just sth tt they want to satisfy their desire..if i have the money i rather donate it away and share the joy with others..after living in a home which always quarrel over money..i really don wan to quarrel over it..i don wan..and i don need so much money..i can really need a simple life being a volunteer and having the little money to survive..tt's my dream..but i have my responsibility to provide for my family now..because for this reason..i ahve to stay..

during the school meeting..we're discussing about how oure future kids are..i found out that everyone realise nowadays the kids are selfish..really selfish..cos they just think of themselves and tinking of earning easy money..being a billionaire without working hard..and everyday it's just facing the computer and computer...sometimes even i myself am stuck in this whole thingy..

when i was in taiwan..the news keep showing on saving the earth..we are depleting the resources and stuff..it really leads me to think that the world in is really ending soon... in my era...and the tv showing lotsa countries disappearing..i guess singapore will oso be sinking soon..just tt we just heck care..cos it hasn't come yet..everyone is like trying not to think about it..but it's really a fact that we've going to face sooner or later

so why am i still here now doing nothing? just do it! now! we should treasure wad we have now..really..