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janicesit @ blogspot.com ♥
Monday, August 31, 2009

i guess my depression is back..1st symptom..doesn't know how to make decision..and will keep making decision that will make myself sad..2nd..couldn't sleep well..even everyday sleep for 4 to 5 hours for weeks i still won feel tired at all..i gotta play and play game..or cry myself to sleep everynite..3rd..trying to make everyone around me unhappy and trying to drive everyone away and wants to be alone by myself..

i was wondering after so many years of surpression of always choosing things that i don like to do..wad would i become? everytime whenever i choose sth that i like and stay firm with it..wad i get is quarrels and quarrels in the family just becos of me..and this always make me regret wadeva decision that i made..when i was young..even small things like forcing me to buy a clothes that i won wear..they force me to wear i don wear..end up whole family don go out for dinner..go for school trip to china..mum cry for the few weeks and came back quarrel over and over again for days..kana scolded for being sick..all these are just deep inside on my mind that wadeva decision that i made for myself..i'll just let the whole family quarrel..and end up i never ever made any decision again..and i always made the decision that they like..instead of sth that i like..and end up i just regretted cos i din choose wad i want..and this becomes a habit..making decisions that will make me upset and regret..choosing over sth that i like..and sth that won make family quarrel..wad can i choose..end up..i'll just don choose anything..and just lead a dull life again and just let ppl decide for me wad i shd do..and i will just follow and say nothing..

is there anything choosing disorder..i think i'm going to breakdown being a must to decide wad i shd do..if i dono how to decide..just stay with my dull life and live with a dull family suan le..i fight for myself..wad do i get..all the negative things..i've been in such a dilemna over choosing until i just feel sad over every decision that i've decide..so wad for i decide..i dono how to live in this world anymore..i really dono..can i just stop..it's so tired living in this world..can i just stop everything..i don want to live until so tired..just living for the others when i couldn't even live for myself..bcos i gotta consider all the factors..how come being selfish and being unselfish both just makes me so miserable..i really dono how to live this kind of life anymore..really..

I love bubble tea.
I love blue and white.
I love sports.
I'm a teacher and a volunteer too.
I sing till dawn,
I dance till dusk.
That's coz...
I want to live without regret.
And lead a meaningful life.
To prove to myself that
I have lived before

WISHLIST ♥