althou it's oredi 2 plus am..i still decided to blog first before i sleep..cos everytime i blog aft a few days..the feeling won be there anymore..

2dy..again shout until no voice..tmr wil be another 830 to 620 day..workshop at teacher's network...den chiong to sch probably by taxi..den 9 periods straight..siao liao..still got pe somemore..and it'll be like that for all the coming 8 tuesdays..

went to meet up with temple ppl..sat down and chit chat..and realise over these years..i've not changed at all..that's wad they say..actually can see from the looks de..jiayi says from sec sch..to jc..to now..i haven change abit..still de same old me..can see from the looks whether the person has change or not..wu kor kor say i'm those bo chap type..if there's anything jus don care..there's pros and cons..true..i jus choose to bo chap lo..den jiayi ask me to change..ha..wad shd i do leh..

i choose to bo chap prob due to family background..they always say i'm the youngest and say no say in anything..since i can't say anything den jus bo chap lo..i mind kana scolded..so y mind so much and kana scolded..and if i really change any bit of me..they'll scold and scold and scold..i dono y..but i jus feel that my family jus gives me a scold and scold feeling..nag until i do wad they wan den they happy..wad can i change..i wanted..but my environment doesn't want me to change..i'm still being seen as a small gal who's help is not needed at home..if i wanted to help mum..i always kana scolded..it's been yrs..i wanted to do housework..i wanted to clean up my own room..i wanted to put m own ornaments on my own table...deco my own room and stuff..but the thing is i don have freedom to do that..i can say that the 4 walls are white at home..except some is sis argue until very jialat den can put de..everytime i put any photo frame or any ornament..or even jigsaw..mum will always dismantle it or keep it w/o me knowing..all my hardowrk...jus gone into a plastic bag..since after so many yrs my effort on doing wad i wanted has gone to waste..i oredi make up my mind not to waste my effort anymore..which jus leads to my bo chap character on things..and it jus goes along with me..

i don need to voice out my idea..the best thing i can do is to keep quiet..this is wad i find out..and wad i try out..jus keep quiet..the safest way not to get scolded..thou sometimes din say anything oso kana scolded for no reason..jus scold and scold until i diam oredi..n opoint fighting back after so many yrs..with a "phobia" person at home since young..i'm oredi being surpressed for too long to change..

from feeling empty bcos i don have a close r/l with family..to joining lotsa stuff to occupy my emptiness in the heart..hoping to gain confidence aft learning some skills or knowledge..at least here and there abit more than others..other than that wad can i do..some frenz say that there's nth wrong with me..jus need to be more assured of urself tt'll do..but how can i assure myself when i'm feeling that i'm living in such a negative environment..when ppl says i'm good..i forever don believe in myself that i'm good..i'm jus a nobody..the youngest and the smallest in the family with no say in anything at all for all these years..wad good do i have..i really don have the ability and courage to make changes to family life...not now..cos i can't even settle down by myself..i can't even handle my own stuff..how to think bout other stuff for other ppl..when they themselves don wan me..don wan my help..don wan my opinion at all..

sometimes it's not easy to say change den change cos of many factors..yes..it's me myself who wanted to change or not..but the thing is..can others take my changes..when aft changing it jus brings more negative to the environment and the ppl ard me..maybe it's jus not the time for me to change..

i jus wana say that i don wana have any secrets..i don want to hide anything from anyone..i don wana be a secretive scorpio..i want to be this kind of...me.