today is the first day of term 4..i'm suppose to be very happy as i can see my kids..and colleagues..but den..i suddenly thot of sth..

on the way home..i thot of my gambling dad..and start to tear..i've nt been in a happy family..the deadly poison jus spreads..dad lose money..give black face to mum..make her depressed more..don lend him money..cont to scold ppl..

i've made a very deadly curse in the past..tt he'll nvr ever win..woth me around..i really hate it..and i curse everybody whom i noe..that they'll nvr win..either they he die..or i die..

and somehow it did came true..he din win..and i think he went to do sth to change his luck..ya..dere's a few times he did win..but end up i was terribly sick..to an extent i went to hospital..and he gotta foot the bills for me..end up jus like he nvr won any..and gotta pay more..jus like wad i say..either he die..or i die..den whenever he starts to win money..i'll fall sick..it's like eventually i put a curse on myself..i shdn't have suffer so much rite..but..it's jus so...queer..

but i love him as a dad..to an extent that i don bear to call him a jerk..i treated him very nice..hoping he'll change..i bought things for him..massage for him..ask him gamble lesser in a very nice way..end up he jus ask for more..and try to borrow money from me more than any others in the family as i'm closer to him..

thinking of him..the thought of marriage jus smeared..i don wan the routine to continue..i don wan to end up finding the same old guy like him..and end up an unhappy marriage..nuhappy family..i rather stay single...this poison has been in the family for years..everytime i think of it...i'll be very pessimistic bout marriage..and stuff like that..maybe it's oso 1 of the reason y sis doesn't find someone for herself...she did say before..rather stay single den marrying a jerk gambler like dad..

heaven is fair..when u gain sth..u'll lose sth..dad steal..end up his itchiness nvr dies no matter how many doctor he went to see..starting from his itchy hands...all over to his body...yet he continues all sorts of methods to get money to gamble..this poison will jus follow him..until u die..think he promise god sth i think..bout gambling de..maybe sth like gamble lesser..i dono..sis din tell me..yet he still cont to owe ppl money...borrow money..and treat others good jus for the sake tt he can borrow money easier or can owe money longer..it's so fake..win money happy..but see me sick stil make him unhappy la..wad for..

if it's urs..it will be urs..if it's not urs..u won get it..even if u get it by force..u'll lose some other things somehow..

i always tell myself i'll nvr leave any assets for my children or grandchildren..if i have..jus donate it away..i don wana let them be 败家子...they won value how difficult it is to earn money before they really earn it by sweat themselves..those who have a smooth career..good luck den..

sometimes heaven jus wan u to experience some things to make u realise some things..tt's y let u meet with the problem..ya..i really do experience alot alot..sometimes feel whether i really 看破红尘..lots things i oredi accept it..and learn to let go..have then have..don have den don have..it's so tired to get sick..to get troubled with problem..jus wana live peacefully in this life..and hope there's no recarnation or some sort of that..which i think is oso impossible..so many ups and downs..really getting tired over it..jus wana use my own little small small strength to help others tt's all..away from troubles oso can..cheer up ppl oso can...don wana get involve in too many things..jus wana live a simple life..tt's all..if really wana a complex life..it'll really be very complex..i don wan..i noe i won be happy..i jus wana..be a happy me tat's all..i'm easily satisfied..as wad most of the ppl said..

and to stay happy without any morries is my goal...as long as i can feel happiness..it's worth living for in this worth..if not..i really dono wad others are living for..all the fame and wealth..but nvr ever happy..

leading a happy..fruitful..and meaningful life..hee..tt's wad i wan..

actually wanted to stay out for awhile..don really wana go home too early..but i'm really too tired to do that..even until the door..my tears still not dry up..but nobody in the house wil notice i'm crying..hee..need skill de leh..as long as ppl are more focus on themselves..they won notice tiny little bits of things of other ppl..it's like tat..ppl tend to focus on themselves..that's normal..nobody noes wad i really need unless the person really cares and think in my shoes..贴心??but i find myself over le ba..cos not many ppl will appreciate..i noe type of 贴心 everyone can do that..but the thing is..will they have the heart to do it..the the choice is up to u....

sigh..feel so sad..it's been more than a month since i can eat any chocolates..titbits..or ice cream..sigh..who wana suffer? it's not a laughing matter..to get sick for so long..and not being able to sleep well..cos too weak until body don let u sleep well too..plus cough..jus hope it's over quickly..